perth drivers are shit

!!!ATTENTION IDIOT SANDGROPERS WHO HAVE DRIVER’S LICENCES!!!

Slip lanes! For the purpose of getting turning cars out of moving traffic, so everyone can continue on without stopping. Little bitumen miracles! Unless they’re not used correctly, and - surprise, surprise - you don’t use them correctly.

Slip lanes are various lengths depending on a few of things: the speed at which you are estimated to be travelling when you enter the lane, how long you will need to brake to make the turn safely, and how much turning traffic there is at any given moment.

Hard to grasp, I know, but that’s what Planning & Infrastructure is all about. They figure this stuff out, so we can use the roads easily.

So, how about this? Next time you are about to move into a slip lane for the purposes of turning left or right, try not to brake to a stop before you pull in. What gets me is the people who do this when there’s no one in front of them in the slip lane.

Why are you slowing down?!

You have at least 20 metres to slow down before you get to the turn!

Keep going!

You don’t slow to a near-stop when you change lanes regularly, right? So why do it for a slip lane?

Fecking idiots. That’s right, I’m talking to you.

*Please Note: For the completely moronic, please remember to brake as early as you need to if the slip lane is full of cars. I don’t want to be causing no accidents, duder.

I have to bring up merging today, given the mortifying display I was treated to this morning heading South on the Mitchell Freeway.

There’s absolutely nothing hard to grasp about merging traffic. The rule is that if any part of a vehicle is in front of yours, you have to give way.

Note that I said “give way”. I didn’t say “stop”. These are two very different terms, and unless you’re slow enough to require someone else to drive for you, you should be able to tell the difference.

For the record, the DPI Safe Drive Handbook states:

When two lanes merge into one lane (and this might also be indicated by signs such as ‘LANE ENDS MERGE LEFT ‘or ‘LANE ENDS MERGE RIGHT’ or ‘FORM ONE LANE’, or symbolic warning signs you must give way to another vehicle if any portion of it is ahead of your vehicle.

You should indicate that you are merging by using your indicator or hand signal.

and this:

drive your vehicle so that you merge smoothly

with other traffic;

Driving too slowly can cause dangerous situations on a freeway, so you are required to travel at a speed that is no more than 20 km/h below the posted speed limit

So here’s the drill.

1. If you are getting on the Freeway, you kinda need to be doing somewhere around 100km/h by the time you leave the on-ramp.

2. If you’re already ON the Freeway, ignore everyone entering EXCEPT THE DUDE IN FRONT OF YOU, that’s who you gotta watch.

3. If I’m entering the Freeway and you’re already on it, it’s MY responsibilty to fit in ahead of or behind you. DON’T EFFING BRAKE TO A STOP. You will cause an accident, or at the very least, a double-bird and an earful of abuse from me (and quite possibly recognition as a Shit Driver).

You’re on the Freeway. I know, darling. It’s so scary. You have to drive all fast ‘n’ shit, and there’s trucks, and buses, and semis, and oh! all sorts of scary situations. There’s even TRAINS running down the middle. *gasp* Heavens!

But please, I beg you - just keep going. Don’t freak out, everything will be fine, there’s no need to cause the 400 other cars behind you to slow to 20km/h just because you’re frightened of the big steel capsules hurtling themselves towards the City. Everything will be alright.

because EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE ROAD this morning was intent on ruining the day.

first it was the Ocean Reef Road Southbound on-ramp - you people are seriously challenged.

next, the dyslexic bus driver who signalled left to turn right, leaving me stuck behind his giant vehicle while he trundled down Whitfords Avenue at roughly .00000000000000000000007% of the actual speed limit.

oh and then, THEN, there was the middle aged lady who thought that driving reeeeally slow would stop me from riding her tail. nope, driving at the correct speed in P.E.A.K.T.R.A.F.F.I.C will get me off your arse.

thankyou, Perth drivers, for giving me a horrible start to the day.

i don’t know about you, but whenever i’m driving behind a car with an exceptionally fast blinking indicator light, i want to open my door, get out of my automobile, casually saunter up to the car in front and slap the driver across the back of the head.

arrogant, snooty little lights. slow down. you’re in perth, no-one cares how fast you’re blinking.

right. something needs to be cleared up.

ROUNDABOUTS DO NOT HAVE STOP SIGNS. (unless they do, of course) most have give way signs, or the broken dotted line you may or may not be familiar with. this means, you GIVE WAY.

to break it down for the slow kids:

1. as you approach the roundabout, keep one eye on the car in front of you, and one any cars approaching from the right.

2. as you learnt in driving school all those centuries ago, you must give way to anyone coming in from the right. PLEASE NOTE: you do not have to give way to people travelling straight through the roundabout unless they are crossing your path.

3. if there is no one in front of you, and no one approaching from the right, and get this, it’s the exciting bit… YOU CAN KEEP GOING!!! amazing, i know.

people need to realise that roundabouts are there to control the flow of traffic and are an alternative to traffic lights, because they keep traffic moving at a better pace and allow heavy traffic to continue flowing. when you STOP, peer over your exceptionally high steering wheel like a frightened bunny, cautiously look left, then right, then left again, then venture 5 feet over the line, then BRAKE HARD, look right again, wait for a written invitation to shoot through your air conditioning vent, and ever so gently manouver that giant piece of steel you’re controlling across the intersection at -70km/h, you are delaying scores of others on the road because you didn’t have the foresight and brainpower to check out what’s happening on the road before you are first in line.

you remind me of the people in the supermarket who, upon loading all their groceries on the conveyor belt, shuffling along to stand in front of the cashier, and watching each item be scanned, look surprised when asked to make payment and proceed to spend the next 5 minutes hunting for their wallet for that magic little card.

get it together, or get off the road.